"I recently moved to Luxembourg and I f***ing love the weather!"

When we first arrived, it was just me and the Misses. Now there are 50 quackpat families in the area. We have a communal pool, beach and bubble tea shop!

Sure, Luxembourg wasn’t top of our list when the Misses and I first discussed moving the nest abroad. For one, there’s a f*** load of noisy traffic—one day I hope someone shoots those migrating geese c**ts!

And don’t get me started on the rising cost of living. I can’t even remember the last time some f***er threw stale baguette crumbs my way. Though, to be fair, we are trying to go gluten free. Also, as a duck, I’m naturally attracted to big bills!

But the Misses and I realised that this tiny country had stolen our hearts when we took a gander at Luxembourg’s most-popular news source: Meteolux. We learned that in Luxembourg it rains non-stop. Literally, there is more rain than money. More rain than bad drivers. More rain even than expletives in this article! 

As a result, Luxembourg is a mother-f***ing mecca for feathered families like ours. 

When we first arrived, it was just me and the Misses. Now there are 50 quackpat families in the area. We have a communal pool, beach and bubble tea shop. The Misses loves it because she can pop out and do her thing with her friends while I watch the eggs. 

I love it because I can f***ing swear all day and no-one bats a c**ting feather. I’ve returned to my old passion for acting. I recently got some work as an Easter Bunny impersonator and now I have an agent! I’m also getting back into sport and, in a few weeks, I’ll be participating in a duck race!

Seriously, life is f***ing grand in Luxembourg. I’d name our first ducklings after the country, except that the Misses and I already agreed on names: Floater1, Floater2 and Floater3. We do it to avoid getting too attached in case any of them gets snatched by a c**ting hawk. It’s a duck thing!

Anyhoo, nothing could be more perfect. And yet all I hear from you non-feathered normative (NFNs) f***ers is “the weather is so bad in Luxembourg!” or “when will it stop raining in Luxembourg?” 

Now I know I’m new but I’m gonna stick my neck out here and say what we’re all thinking: What a bunch of snotfaced snowflakes! Are you made of sugar? You c**ts don’t know how lucky you are! Honestly, there are ducks out there that would give their left wing for weather like this. 

Lucky for us, not all the NFNs I meet are this f***ing ignorant. My agent, for instance, is a kick ass human. He often visits for walks by the pond. Just last week he brought take-away saying I needed to put on weight. How thoughtful!

He also runs a Chinese restaurant near the nest. One of these days we will accept his invitation to come over for crispy pancakes!

Until then, stop f***ing complaining about the weather, you miserable old c**ts and cheer me on at the duck race later this month.