Dogs burning out from 24/7 big brother home surveillance
“One minute she’s like: ‘you’re such a good boy’. And then she’s watching me at work via hidden cameras! WTF!! Where’s the trust?”
Burnout rates among dogs in Luxembourg are bounding higher than an Alsatian chasing a squirrel that’s run up a tree, as a result of increased smart camera monitoring by their owners.
Burnout symptoms include but are not limited to loss of appetite, no waggy tail and leaving runny shits all over your favourite rug. And cases are spreading fast--faster than dog hairs all over the anthracite interior of your BMW 3 Series.
“When I realised she was watching me, I totally lost interest in humping my squeaky elephant toy,” said Dougal, a Dachshund from Dommeldange, adding: “One minute she’s like: ‘you’re such a good boy’. And then she’s watching me at work via hidden cameras! WTF!! Where’s the trust?”
According to the Duchy Organisation Governing Canine Rehabilitation And Psychotherapy (DOGCRAP), burnout cases are most common among highly-strung breeds and rehomed street dogs, which are used to doing whatever the fuck they want without consequences.
“I was so pissed when I found that camera, I pissed all over it!” Sid, a mutt who was rehomed from the streets of Romania to a penthouse apartment in Rollingergrund, told this reporter. “Then, I packed up my favourite toys and left. Now I get by begging in Beggen. I miss the belly rubs but I’m a better dog for it!”
Photo: Is it me or is someone watching me?
There are fears that if doggy burnout rates continue to rise, it will lead to packs of dogs on the streets, begging.
Doggy burnout and doggy runaways also have a negative knock-on effect on their dog parents, who need those cuddly-wuddlies just as much as their doggies need walkies.
“I gave Narco everything: toys, walks, I even let him watch me have sex,” Mireille S told this newspaper. “I only watched him from my phone at work because I missed him. Also, my manager Susan is such a Karen, sometimes I need a pick-me-up during the day! Since Narco left, I have nothing, except 6 cameras in an empty apartment. I’m so depressed, I’m thinking of getting a cat!”
Word on the street is that local cinema virtuoso Steve McSteve is planning to make a documentary following burned out dogs and in particular the pack of dogs that scarpered with his weekend shopping outside of Cactus in Bonnevoie. “They’re actually easier to work with than you might think: you just need a pocketful of treats and dog poo bags and to know who is the alpha (it’s Narco!). Honestly, I think this is the documentary that will get me to the Oscars!”