Expat woman expects to lose weight before Christmas, despite eating at the Christmas market
“On the first day, I chased a turkey around the office,” Russell shared. “I underestimated how fast turkeys are. It’s like they know Christmas is coming!"
In a tragicomedy of misplaced priorities and seasonal denial, 37-year-old Naomi Russell, a British expat with a questionable grasp on reality, has announced her intention to lose weight just two weeks before Christmas—despite her nightly pilgrimage to the local Christmas market, where everything comes deep-fried and dusted in powdered sugar.
“People tell me I don’t need to lose weight but I know they’re wrong,” the British optimist declared, clutching a half-eaten bratwurst the size of her forearm. “I just need to eat less. Simple. Plus, since I spent half my salary on mulled wine last week, I might not have a choice!”
Her epiphany came when she noticed her favourite work trousers now resembled "a festive sausage casing," with holiday cheer spilling over the waistband in what experts refer to as "muffin tops."
“It wasn’t overnight,” Russell admitted. “More like two years of lovingly sampling Luxembourg’s finest: Italian lunches, Portuguese pastries, Indian curries... Oh, and don’t get me started on the all-you-can-eat dumpling nights. It’s basically a cultural exchange!”
After ruling out drastic solutions like liposuction, smoking, or donating her "least favourite kidney," Russell stumbled upon the 12 Days of Fitness programme for a bargain €49. “It’s practically free,” she said, justifying the purchase of her sixth questionable online fitness guide this year.
“On the first day, I chased a turkey around the office,” Russell shared, sweating profusely from the exertion and what appeared to be residual eggnog. “I underestimated how fast turkeys are. It’s like they know Christmas is coming.”
Once she catches the elusive bird, Russell plans to progress to the Christmas Carol Core workout, an inventive exercise involving screaming “Deck the Halls” mid-crunch. “Singing burns calories, right?” she added, before taking a massive bite of a Nutella-stuffed crêpe.
Her pièce de résistance, however, is the Twelve Days of Juice Cleansing, which she has customised for the holidays. “Instead of green juice, I’m blending gingerbread cookie-flavoured smoothies. It’s festive and... definitely not a milkshake,” she said with a wink that suggested otherwise.
When asked about the glaring contradiction of her nightly attendance at Christmas parties, Russell remained unfazed. “I’ve got willpower,” she said confidently, just as the scent of roasted chestnuts caused her to visibly salivate. “I’ll just... sniff the snacks. You know, enjoy with my soul, not my stomach.”
Hours later, she was spotted at the Christmas market in a gluttonous trance, alternating between bites of deep-fried Gromperekichelcher and gulps of glühwein from a mug shaped like Santa’s head. She defended her actions by calling it the “weightlifting portion” of her fitness plan.
“It’s all about balance,” she said, hoisting a pretzel roughly the size of a life belt.
As of press time, Russell has updated her 12-day plan to include “restorative glühwein therapy” and a bonus workout titled Shovelling Cookies Into My Mouth At Record Speed.