F*ck boys in Luxembourg are receiving pretzels and they’re terrified
“I was barely awake and she was shoving this pale, crusty thing into my mouth. I almost choked!”
It’s every f*ck boy’s worst nightmare. The ‘7’ that they only ever call up when the ‘9’ and ‘8’ aren’t picking up their voice notes, turns up uninvited at their spacious, 20m2 bachelor pad on a Sunday morning, with a rustling paper bag.
“Why are you here?” they ask, over the intercom, because they’re in the middle of making a protein shake.
“Surprise, it’s Pretzel Sunday!” The ‘7’ announces with glee.
That was the drama facing Alessandro on BretzelSonndeg, or Pretzel Sunday 2024.
“I was barely awake and she was shoving this pale, crusty thing into my mouth. I almost choked on the flakes!” he told this reporter, adding: “Apparently, it’s a tradition in Luxembourg. Normally, the guy gives one to his bird. And he gives her a pretzel too (hahahaha!). That’s what she said. Anyway, cos it’s a leap year, it’s the other way around. And now I have to buy her an Easter egg in return!? I never signed up for this shit!!!”
To recover from the assault, Alessandro says he has been signed off sick from his job at a venture finance company.
Alessandro is not the only “victim” of this much-cherished tradition turned on its head by the leap year. The sound of rustling paper bags filled with the traditional sweet pretzel haunted f*ck boys all over Luxembourg on Sunday.
One man, who wished to remain anonymous said: “This forced alteration to my dietary programme, all in the name of tradition, is a blatant breach of my human rights! I’m doing keto and that pretzel was loaded with carbs. Also, I don’t do relationships. Women need to understand, you can’t just shove a giant pretzel in a guy’s face and expect sparks to fly!”
He added that he is consulting a lawyer to put an “end to this madness” and save future f*ck boys from the ignominy.
There was a very different mood among the women this reporter spoke to.
“I bought 10 pretzels. I gave one to a guy I recently dated, because his bachelor flat was so sad and had no food in it and he had weird balls,”
“I bought 10 pretzels. I gave one to a guy I recently dated, because his apartment was so sad and had no food in it and he had weird balls,” Shimeka S. said, adding: “He accepted it when I told him it would prevent hair loss–sometimes you have to be creative!”
Shimeka said that the other nine pretzels were for her, “because l’m a strong and independent woman who knows what I want from life: sweet baked goods!”
Bakeries all over Luxembourg were delighted with the tradition. Baker Claudine Muller told this publication: “They say that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And if the man doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, customers can rest assured that after eating our pretzels, the object of your affections will be calling you back, to request the phone number of a good dentist!”
😂🤣 lmao Love it! Where can I buy those pretzels?