How to Keep Burglars Out of Your Home This Summer (According to Paranoid, Sleep-Deprived Expats)
Why just lock your doors when you can go full Home Alone meets NATO intelligence agency?
Ah, summer in Luxembourg: the time of year when every second car disappears to Portugal, Italy, or the south of France, and the only people left behind are confused tourists, insomniac dogs, and burglars rubbing their gloved hands with glee.
But fear not! We’ve assembled the ultimate guide to ensuring your humble abode remains untouched by criminal hands. Because why just lock your doors when you can go full Home Alone meets NATO intelligence agency?
1. Set Up a Home Alone-Style Panorama
Forget motion detectors. Instead, rig your living room with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Jean-Claude Juncker dancing with Angela Merkel. Add disco lights, a looping playlist of euro-dance hits from 1998, and a robotic vacuum dragging a feather duster. Any burglar peeking in will assume you're hosting a bizarre Luxembourgish diplomatic rave and flee in confused terror.
2. Hire a Lookalike to Live Your Life
Can’t be at home? No problem. Hire a struggling actor from the local amdram scene to live in your house for the summer. They'll water the plants, take selfies on your balcony, and occasionally wave menacingly at passersby with a baguette. Bonus points if they post passive-aggressive "still here!" stories on Instagram.
3. Post Fake Holiday Photos
Rather than admitting you’ve left the house, flood your social media with fake holiday posts from inside your house. Photoshopped beaches, AI-generated sunsets, and an obviously fake toucan on your shoulder. Meanwhile, you’re hiding behind the curtains with binoculars, watching for shady movement near your bins. Take that, criminals!
4. Enlist the Help of Passive-Aggressive Neighbours
Nothing deters burglars like an overzealous retired couple with binoculars, zero filter, and a tight grip on local gossip. Ask your neighbour, Birgitte, to “keep an eye on things.” Within 48 hours, she’ll know the life story of every person who walks past your house, and any intruder will be interrogated about their family tree before they even reach your mailbox.
5. Install Alarming Decorations
Think garden gnome meets psychological warfare. Hide motion-activated speakers that whisper "I see you…", or have the gnome’s eyes light up red when approached. Want to go full drama? Rig your mailbox to play creepy children’s laughter. Congratulations — you've now created Luxembourg’s first haunted property.
6. Don’t Go on Holiday At All
The most secure method. Just don’t leave. Ever. Spend your summer under a fan, clutching a suspiciously warm Bofferding, muttering, “You’ll never take me alive.” Sure, you’ll be pale and slightly unhinged by September, but your meagre possessions and Ikea furniture will remain gloriously untouched.
7. Install a Fake AI Security System That Just Yells “NEE MERCI!”
Place cameras with blinking red lights around your property. They don’t have to be real — just add a speaker that occasionally blurts out “Du falschen Hond” or “ZEE POLICE HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED” in a vaguely Germanic accent. It doesn’t matter that you live in Belair — burglars don’t want to get into an argument with Robocop.
Burglary may be a real concern, but why protect your house with boring old locks and alarms when you can deter crime and entertain the neighbourhood with your creatively unhinged approach to home security?
And remember: when in doubt, always act weirder than the burglars. Works every time.
Thanks for reading The Alternative Expat Guide to Luxembourg. I’ll be taking a break over the summer and I hope that you do too.
See you again in September!
Love it! This is great advice! 🤣😂”you've now created Luxembourg’s first haunted property” LOL