How to survive Luxembourg when you can't even afford to be depressed
The tram isn’t just a way to get from A to B—it’s your mobile studio apartment!
Mmmmm… there’s nothing like random free finger food to make you wanna face the crush in Auchan on a Saturday morning!
January is a month of abundance in Luxembourg—an abundance of binge-TV, waistline expansion, and the sweet, sweet embrace of seasonal depression. But if December devoured your finances faster than your parents’ old Labrador inhaling dinner crumbs, you might now find yourself digging through the sofa for spare change—or a rogue, semi-edible gummy bear.
Fear not, dear expat! There are actually free things to do in Luxembourg, and they are all fairly shite. But here goes anyway!
Guzzle on supermarket samples
Did you know supermarkets hand out free samples? They’re not just trying to tempt you into buying stuff—they’re basically sponsoring your breakfast. At my local store, there’s almost always a cheerful woman pouring crémant at 9 am on Saturdays. How does she know that’s exactly what I need to face the existential horror of pre-noon grocery shopping? Visionary.
If you’ve worked up an appetite from lifting those hefty champagne flutes, perfect your “I’m-still-deciding” face so you can make multiple rounds at the cheese station. By lap three, you’ll have consumed enough gruyère to avoid punching the douche who rammed your ankles with their shopping trolley.
Host a party
“But Jess, I can’t host a party when I’m living on stale bread and hope!” Easy, my thrifty darling: host a Bring Your Own Everything party. Your guests supply the food, drinks, and possibly their own chairs. Those leftover quesadillas, mismatched beers, and half-eaten lasagnas will sustain you for days—or at least provide the kind of dodgy stomach that justifies calling in sick. Win-win!
Pro tip: If someone brings a bottle of Sambuca, make them take it home. That stuff’s a health hazard and no one wants a hangover that feels like being smacked by a Luxembourgish traffic fine.
Fake a holiday
Who needs expensive getaways when you can fake a lavish holiday without leaving your sofa? Generative AI is your best friend here. With the right filters, your living room becomes a private Maldives villa, complete with “sea views” (strategically placed blue bedsheets) and “luxury dining” (microwaved leftovers).
No airport delays. No passport panic. Just you, your PJs, and enough Netflix to turn your brain to pudding. While you’re at it, why not toss some sand on your floor for “authenticity.” If nothing else it’s free exfoliation for your feet!
Perfect the art of flipping freebies (or pretending you will)
Years ago, a kind woman in my building gave me a free wardrobe. When I didn’t need it anymore, I posted it on Facebook Marketplace for free. The guy who picked it up? He listed it the next day for €80. Hustler.
Flipping free stuff is a real business—if you have the energy. Which, let’s be honest, you probably don’t. So, instead, you’ll spend the afternoon scrolling through Marketplace listings and imagining a more ambitious, entrepreneurial version of yourself. But hey, that’s technically free entertainment!
Go window shopping
Desperate to bag a bargain but allergic to spending? Try window shopping! It’s just like real shopping, except without buying anything—or, as I like to call it, Retail Tantric Minimalism.
Sure, it’s not sexy, but it’s cheap. And after a while, you’ll realise you don’t need new clothes to look good. Either that, or you’ll get arrested for being naked in public. Whatever happens, it’s still free.
Hack your way to free tap water
Want to live it up for free? Head to the swankiest restaurant you can find—the kind where the bathrooms have rosewater-scented hand towels. Order nothing but a deep inhale of entitlement, then cough theatrically, as though choking on an invisible truffle. Voilà! Free tap water will materialise before you faster than you can say "Michelin star." Whether you’re coughing or just loving the drama, you’ve won at life.
Live rent-free…on the tram
Why shell out for rent when Luxembourg has rent-free options on the tram? The tram isn’t just a way to get from A to B—it’s your mobile studio apartment! Of course, be sure to snag a corner seat near the doors for maximum legroom and prime people-watching. And bonus points if you can incorporate a cardboard box from Ikea into your “living room.”