How was your stay in your childhood home? A brief survey from your Mum

Since you were so busy catching up with friends before flying off to somewhere exotic, your father and I are sending you this questionnaire to get your feedback.

How was your recent visit to your childhood home? Since you were so busy catching up with friends before flying off to somewhere exotic, your father and I are sending you this questionnaire to get your feedback. 

1. What was the main purpose of your trip?

• Business.

• Quality time with friends.

• Quality time with family.

• Digital detox —your poor wifi and network coverage helped me justify not replying to work messages.

• Free accommodation to save money for a proper holiday somewhere exotic.

2. Which of the following best describes your experience of staying in your childhood home?

• I miss my family and wish they’d also move to Luxembourg so that they will babysit my future kids for free.

• I was filled with nostalgia for the past.

• It was alright.

• It reminded me why I left. Next time, a weekend back home will be enough.

3. When it came to scheduling your trip, which statement is most relevant:

• Our dates matched perfectly.

• I have a spare key so I can come and go as I please.

• I didn’t even tell my parents that I was coming. I’m kind of last minute like that.

4. If your childhood home had not been available, what accommodation option would you have considered for this trip?

• Hotel.

• Maybe I would have crashed with a friend or found a bed on Tinder. 

• I would have gone somewhere sunny and cheap. Not to my childhood home.

• I would have stayed in Luxembourg. I’m not made of money.

5. How were you received by your hosts when you arrived at your childhood home?

• With warmth: my parents spoiled me with love and good food until I couldn’t move.

• With distance: my mum and dad forgot I was coming and were actually on holiday in Spain when I arrived.

• With gossip: my mum kept talking about people I’ve never met and never plan to meet. I think she's been lonely since dad left her.

• With pride: I was given a welcome parade by my parents and their neighbours who all think I’m a millionaire living in Luxembourg.

6. How do you rate the price you paid to stay in your childhood home?

• Too high: my parents made it clear in every conversation that they are disappointed in me for not becoming a lawyer.

• About right: I had to do some software updates on Mum’s phone and find Dad’s glasses. Easy!

• Great value for money: I did not lift a finger for the entire week.

7. Did you experience any of the following unpleasant events during your stay at your childhood home?

• A terrible, aching emptiness and the thought I have made a terrible mistake by moving to Luxembourg. 

• Bumping into an old school peer who is more successful than you.

• The need to show off my successful career by talking constantly about my bonus (but not saying how much of it went to the taxman).

• Bumping into my first love (who broke my heart) and discovering he/she is now planning to move to Luxembourg, with his/her gorgeous partner.

• I slept for a very long time.

8. Did you experience any of the following pleasant events during your stay in your childhood home?

• Bumping into your first love, apologising for ghosting them and receiving their full forgiveness.

• Bumping into my first love (who cheated on me) and seeing they’ve gained weight/are bald/have 10 children.

• Bumping into my first love and discovering they still have a thing for me and will move to Luxembourg to be closer to you.

9. What can we do to improve future experiences in your childhood home?

• There’s nothing to improve. It was perfect. 

• The house could do with redecorating.

• Please tell dad to get treatment for his snoring. It was impossible to sleep!

• Please stop asking to borrow money.

• You should sell the house and give me all of the proceeds.

10. How likely are you to recommend your childhood home to a friend or colleague?

• Very likely: other people must experience my family’s limitless love and affection.

• Likely: I might invite a few select friends to come with me next time so they can taste my dad’s homemade brandy.

• Unlikely: My parents don’t speak the same language as my friends and colleagues.

• Very unlikely: I don’t want people to know I’m so basic.

Thanks for taking part in this survey. Your dad and I love you very much and hope to see you back home again soon. Love Mum. xxx