If Luxembourg’s most eligible (and questionable) historical heartthrobs had Tinder
I, John the Blind—King of Bohemia, Count of Luxembourg, and certified medieval heartthrob—am seeking a partner with whom I may gracefully grow old. Alright… even older.
Looking for a legendary Valentine? Luxembourg has been churning out kings, counts, and canonised heartthrobs for centuries—the kind of men your parents dream of you bringing home. Noble? Check. Powerful? Absolutely. Emotionally available? Well… that’s another story.
But before you get swept off your feet, you’ll have to survive their dating profiles. Because even saints and sovereigns come with red flags. Proceed with caution (and maybe a suit of armour).
Willi
1286 - Echternach, Luxembourg
Looking for one of the good guys, ladies? Maybe it’s time you dated a saint! Literally.
I’m St. Willibrord—traveller, missionary, and the guy your pagan parents warned you about. My ideal match is someone who loves long journeys through Northern Europe, converting heathens, and removing sacramental wine stains from my cassock. Bonus points if you enjoy gazing lovingly at stained-glass windows… of me.
Also, I’m really into threesomes—you, me, and God, baby!
I’m on a mission to make people happy and by happy, I mean deeply pious and God-fearing. How do I do it? Through the medium of dance—oh yeah, I love to throw shapes on the dance floor (aka the streets of Echternach). Ever seen a pilgrimage that doubles as a conga line? Stick with me.
And in case you were wondering—yes, I’m the real deal. Canonized as f*ck. Sure, I may not be breathing anymore, but I’m confident the right woman could resurrect this dried-up old heart.
Swipe right for salvation.
John T. B.
729 - Paris/Poland/Luxembourg
Fair ladies, rejoice! It is my great honour to announce that I, John the Blind—King of Bohemia, Count of Luxembourg, and certified medieval heartthrob—am seeking a partner with whom I may gracefully grow old. Alright… even older.
My ideal bride will delight in strolling through the annual markets at the Glacis (arm-in-arm with a king, no less) and must be good with dogs. Schuebie, my German shepherd (or, as they call it in Germany, my shepherd), has a unique talent for terrorising livestock at the fair, so be prepared to dish out discipline. And that’s just for the bedroom. 😉🍆
As my queen, you will embrace a life of glamorous solitude—meaning you won’t meddle in petty family disputes or whine when I’m off doing what I do best: prancing dramatically on battlefields. (It’s a king thing, baby.)
What’s in it for you? Well, aside from basking in the glow of a previously married, battle-hardened, and undeniably sexy sugar daddy, you may just score yourself a title. How does Karen the Conqueror or Brenda the Buxom sound? We’ll workshop it.
Of course, I’m not just a warrior—I’m also a great listener. (No, really—I have to be.) So, if you’re in it for love and not just for my royal coffers, swipe right. Gold diggers need not apply—I may be blind but I can still see right through you!
Now, who’s ready to rule by my side?
Count Siegfried
1103 – Lucilinburhuc
Well hello there, dear damsels, gentleladies, and future chattels (terms of endearment were different in my day—don’t overthink it).
As Luxembourg’s most unforgettable real estate mogul turned count, I seek a partner with:
✔️ An eye for interior design (those castle walls won’t decorate themselves).
✔️ An aversion to water (trust me, it’s better this way).
✔️ Absolutely no concept of personal boundaries (just go with it).
What’s in it for you? Glad you asked. My lucky bride will enjoy:
🏰 An airy, stone-clad dream home in the Alzette Valley, featuring scenic views and prime access to the Metz-Liège donkey highway (traffic is minimal—trust me).
🛁 25 rooms, 8 bathrooms—and not a single locked door (privacy is for peasants).
🛠️ The joy of overseeing Bock Castle renovations, preferably on a budget of nothing while convincing actual peasants to move in, pay taxes, and build the thing for us. (Don't worry—they’ll be thrilled to do it.)
🚫 And, most importantly, a strict no-fish policy in all conversations. We do not talk about my ex. Ever.
So, are you ready to rock the Bock and get jiggy with Sieggy? Apply within—dowry negotiable.
I’m loving it!