“It’s Too Damn Expensive!” Trump Denies Rumour That USA Wants Luxembourg for a Golf Course

In a statement released on X, the 47th President and well-known grabber of land (and other things) declared: “Luxembourg? Is that a country or a cheese?"

US President and world-renowned real estate enthusiast Donald J. Trump has denied reports that he is eyeing Luxembourg as the latest addition to his collection of golf courses (and, allegedly, U.S. territories).

In a statement released on X, the 47th President and well-known grabber of land (and other things) declared: “Luxembourg? Is that a country or a cheese? Don’t care. For those prices, I could have 100 Gaza Strips and a coastline!”

The rumour emerged after Trump shared his personal vision board, revealing his long-standing ambitions to acquire Greenland, Canada, and the Panama Canal—presumably as part of his "Make America Bigly Again" expansion plan. Despite global leaders repeatedly reminding him that sovereign nations are not for sale, Trump has continued his pitch, frequently responding with: “Yes, and you’ll pay me to take it from you.”

However, for once, Trump’s dismissal of Luxembourg isn’t entirely unhinged. The tiny European duchy is among the priciest destinations on the continent, boasting the highest food prices in the EU and average apartment costs that can only be measured in human organs.

Still, insiders say Trump’s reluctance isn’t about money—after all, he’s never paid for anything in his life. Instead, the real deal-breaker is Luxembourg’s infamous bureaucracy.

Local red tape expert Pay Perwerck explained: “If he wants to turn Luxembourg into a giant golf course, he’s in for a nightmare. First, he’ll have to wait on hold with every commune in the country for at least four hours. Then, he’ll need a special license for his hair, which in Luxembourg will be classified as an exotic pet.”

Asked whether this was a deliberate act of resistance, Perwerck clarified: “No, this is just how Luxembourg works. Also, good luck getting his company past the Business Register.” She then burst into laughter and refused to elaborate.

Trump’s official denial of interest in Luxembourg sparked a collective sigh of relief from the 2,100+ American refugees currently living there.

Han Gone, a US national working in funds and living in Belair, told reporters: “Thank you, Luxembourg! I swear I will never complain about your insane bureaucracy again.”

Luxembourg has yet to comment on the matter, possibly because officials are still busy processing a permit from 2003.

Important note to readers, this is satire.