Luxembourg adopts expat's improvised phonetic alphabet after "painful" phonecall

"That’s 20 minutes of my life I’m never getting back!” said commune worker Anne Braun.

Luxembourg is considering adopting a new phonetic alphabet to make life simpler for expats after a “painful” phonecall by a Polish woman to her commune. 

“I wanted to sign up for Luxembourgish classes so that I could eventually apply for Luxembourgish citizenship,” Zuzanna Brzęczyszczykiewicz told local news channel HurrahTL.

Prior to calling, the promising funds administrator said she had Google translated her request to explain to the woman at her commune what she wanted. But when her interlocuteur asked her to spell her name, she hit a wall.

“I have a a really long last name and was like ‘how am I gonna spell it out when I hardly speak any Luxembourgish?’ But, once I got started, it turned out speaking Luxembourgish was pretty easy,” she said.

When spelling out her name, Brzęczyszczykiewicz dished out “Bofferding” and “Raclette” followed by “Zoossiss”, “Entrecôte”, “Clausen” and “Zoossiss” before stretching for her next letter: Y. 

“I was so stressed I was sweating so I took a deep breath and then the answer came to me. Of course: “Yoga”!”

With four Zs in her name, Brzęczyszczykiewicz could have just called in a quadruple “Zoossiss” but she told this reporter that she felt compelled to leverage whatever Luxembourgish vocabulary she had and so introduced the words “Zoom” and “Zinfandel”. 

“It was almost as if I was fluent in Luxembourgish without even taking the classes! I felt like a real native!”

Commune worker Anne Braun, who took the call, said: “We’ve been told to encourage the foreigners to speak our language. Honestly, it was painful. That’s 20 minutes of my life I’m never getting back!”

The call, which was recorded for training purposes, was heard by a member of the integration commission, who handed it to their cousin forward slash neighbour forward slash ex-husband, who works at the communications ministry. 

I contacted the communications minister who explained: “This delightful moment of improvisation deeply moved us. Even though we already use the international phonetic alphabet (IPA), as a gesture of commitment to our international residents, we would like to adopt this new phonetic alphabet as our own. Congratulations to this young pioneer and please vote for me in the next elections!”

In a further gesture of gratitude, Luxembourg has offered Brzęczyszczykiewicz honorary Luxembourg citizenship.

View the final version of Brzęczyszczykiewicz’s phonetic alphabet below.

A - Adem

B - Bofferding

C - Clausen

D - Diekirch

E - Entrecôte

F - Findel

G - Grompere

H - Handy

I - Inzest

J - Jo

K - Kinnekswiss

L - Luxair

M - Mettwurscht

N - Novotel

O - Octans

P - Paname

Q - Quiz Night

R - Raclette

S - Sauna

T - TVA

U - Urban Bar

V - Vakanz

W - Wain

X - For X, formerly known as Twitter

Y - Yoga

Z - Zoossiss/Zoom/Zigarette