Luxembourg Issues 72-Hour Survival Kit

In these unprecedented times, anything can happen. Floods, blackouts, war with Belgium over chocolate tariffs—nothing can be ruled out anymore. Except maybe reliable summer weather.

In these unprecedented times, anything can happen. Floods, blackouts, war with Belgium over chocolate tariffs—nothing can be ruled out anymore. Except maybe reliable summer weather.

And while you, dear expat, still cannot vote, your personal safety does matter to the powers that be. Which is why the Luxembourg state has issue a 72-hour survival kit to get you through any crisis.

Be it natural disaster or a surprise visit from the in-laws, this kit will help you survive in comfort, style, and slight passive-aggression. Head to your local commune and pick up yours today!

What’s Inside:

Bottle of Crémant & Crystal Flutes

When the sirens go off and the sky turns orange, there’s only one dignified response: a crisp toast to neutrality. Santé!

Solar-Powered Chill Box

When the water supply runs dry or smells vaguely of asparagus, you’ll need something to stay hydrated. And no-one wants warm beer, even the English. This solar-powered chill box will keep those beers at the perfect temperature for two hours a day—long enough to ruin your sense of urgency.

Cartouche of 100 Cigarettes

Whether for trading, bartering, or simply standing around looking like you know how to hotwire a Vespa, these are your new multipurpose survival sticks. Also supports the local tobacco economy. You're welcome.

Pick-Up Line Flashcards

With the internet down, you’ll need to flirt the old-fashioned way: in person, poorly. These flashcards feature tried-and-tested lines for luxury bunkers and underground love nests. Bonus: includes one (1) morning-after pill, in case the crisis resolves before dessert.

Pack of Pre-Stamped Forms

Nobody knows what they’re for. But you will need them. All of them. Probably on a single Tuesday, and Mister Copy won’t be there to help!

Selfie Ring Light (for Emergency Documentation)

Sure, there's no reception now. But when it returns, you'll want to look good. Perfect lighting for your underground survival diary or apocalyptic thirst traps. #ExpatStruggles #StillServingLooks #BringCheese

Emergency Fondue Kit

Calories, morale, and national identity—preserved in one compact cheese-melting unit. May also be used as a diplomatic tool in tense neighbour standoffs. (Pro tip: offer Gruyère before you escalate.)

Coffee Machine Adaptor

Survival begins with caffeine. This device ensures your beloved machine can plug in anywhere—even in a fallout shelter, forest, or the dreaded Zone Without Wi-Fi (aka northern Ettelbruck). Compatible with all brands. No Nespresso pod left behind.

Luxury Cat Food (Even If You Don’t Own a Cat)

You never know when you’ll need to bond with a well-connected feline, or start rationing for... less dignified purposes. (We’re talking about eating the food, not the cat. Probably.)

CrossFit-Approved Axe

Whether you’re chopping firewood, repelling looters, or just need to feel something again, this artisanal battle axe has your back. Comes with a laminated “Woodcut WOD” workout plan and a free protein sample.

Remember: Preparedness is the Luxembourg way. Because when the world ends, the last thing you want is to be caught without a bottle of Crémant, 3 copies of Form 278A, and a truly irresistible chat-up line.