Luxembourg tackles illegal migration with gruelling border assault course
"Only a genius or a fool would be able to make it through this impressive trial, and those are the kinds of candidates we are hiring,”
Following in the wake of Germany and France’s decisions to carry out border controls, to prevent the flow of illegal migration, Luxembourg has come up with a cunning plan!
Luxembourg is to create a Strong Man style assault course for any illegal migrants wishing to enter the country.
Anyone planning to enter the grand duchy, illegal or not, will now be faced with a gruelling ordeal involving endless, bumper to bumper traffic in which they must dodge cigarette butts and tractors being thrown at random and the indignity of seeing Luxembourg houses for sale at eye-watering prices.
On certain days, Luxembourg will rain down hell on these intruders, and by hell, we mean Luxembourgish rain, which is known for its relentless moistness. They will also throw in the odd tornado, just to see how things go. And if that weren’t enough, the country has devised a system of ridicule, designed to break their spirits, in which residents will jettison pumpkins and potatoes at the invaders and tell them to go back to where they came from, presumably, Thionville or Longwy.
Those who complete the 20k journey from border to capital will, meanwhile, be rewarded with a pay check, lunch vouchers and free bananas to power them through their gruelling journey back to their home.
“We believe this new ploy will be an effective deterrent in keeping out unwanted riffraff. Only a determined fool would be able to make it through this impressive trial, and those are the kinds of candidates we are hiring,” said Pit Pondel, spokesperson for the ministry of good neighbourly relations.
The budget required to implement the new strategy will also please taxpayers. “Thanks to ongoing roadworks, the infrastructure for ensuring an unpleasant border crossing experience that will deter invaders, is already in place. You’re welcome,” added potholes minister Charel Mettespaus.