My last letter to Santa

Why leave gifts in kids’ bedrooms? It’s creepy. Why not the front porch? If it’s good enough for Amazon, it’s good enough for you.

Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you well, though frankly, you owe me some answers. This Christmas, I don’t want a new phone, car or the Vincent van Gogh – The Starry Night Lego set (OK, I lowkey want the last one!). I just want clarity. Let’s start with the big one: what on Earth were you thinking when you got stuck up the chimney? Was that part of the plan, or were you winging it?

Speaking of logistics, who handles the billion or so letters you receive from kids each year? Are they unionised? Do they have health insurance? Because papercuts hurt like hell. I’m not even going to touch on the working conditions in your elf sweatshop up in the Arctic. Let’s just say I saw fewer labor violations at the 2022 Fifa World Cup.

And who exactly are you, Santa? You’re a mysterious man with a non-transparent income, a knack for making lists of naughty people, who wears an iconic red hat. 

Are you actually Donald Trump in disguise? 

Nah, scratch that. Trump wouldn’t give away free gifts and expect nothing in return. Plus, you’ve got a great head of hair—do you use the curly girl method? Asking for a friend.

From your old school transport solutions (at least you can use the word “slay” without making people cringe!) to the fact that you don’t accept letters by voice note, it tells me you’re probably a boomer. 

And what’s with the “ho ho ho”? Look, we all have a past, but slut-shaming is so last decade. Especially coming from a guy who spends an alarming amount of time sneaking into strangers’ bedrooms.

On that note, why leave gifts in kids’ bedrooms? It’s creepy. Why not the front porch? If it’s good enough for Amazon, it’s good enough for you. Speaking of which, how have they not come after you for next-day delivery secrets? I’m guessing the secret isn’t spreadsheets: no one that jolly uses Excel!

Then there’s the all-nighters. I learned at university that all-nighters are terrible for the body. You’ve been doing it for centuries. Didn’t you hear that hustle culture is so last decade? And think of the children: they’d be traumatised for life if they woke up on 25 December and had to give Santa CPR because he’s overdone it again!

Let’s also address your infamous “naughty or nice” list. How very binary. We should be encouraging kids to be bold and stand up for what they believe in? Yet you’re out here rewarding compliance. No wonder half the world doesn’t believe in you!

Now, let’s talk about money. Who funds this ridiculous operation? 

Are you mining Bitcoin up in Lapland? Have you done your KYC? And why didn’t you bring me that radio controlled boat I asked for when I was 10? It was the only thing I asked for!

Which brings me to the main reason I’m writing to you, Santa.

Your end-of-year tax return is due. Get it to the authorities before December 31. And don’t tell me you’re too busy. Just pull an all-nighter. It wouldn’t be the first time. Happy Holidays!

Best regards, 

Emily, your accountant.