New fines in the capital: The offences they forgot to include
Asking you to join the office team run for the ING Marathon. I like gentle sports like yoga and complaining about the printer. Why ask me?
In April, people passing through the capital had even greater reason to hate municipal agents when the city authority granted them the power to issue fines for 17 minor offences.
Ranging from not picking up your dog’s poop to using lawn mowers at certain times of the day, the offences were clearly thought up by some sexually-frustrated, net-curtain twitching neighbour who has a hotline to the mayor’s office.
These are fines we wish the city would introduce.
Recording voice notes for friends while on the tram. It’s great that you have friends and family but why choose the moment you’re on the tram to send that voice note? Honestly, is it too much to ask after a hard day at the office for a bit of peace and quiet while we stare at our overpriced shoes, pondering our bad life decisions?
Wearing a backpack on the tram during rush hour. If we’re crammed like sardines in a colourful tin then no-one wants their face shoved right up against your sweaty gym shoes smelling backpack. Agents should increase the fine if it’s a Basic Fit backpack.
Giving a seat to your bag on the full tram/bus/train. Are you reserving the seat for a friend? Is the bag your friend? For crying out loud, use your lap!
Not laughing like an immature teenager every time the tram reaches the stop for Coque and you hear that little voice say twice: “Coque”.
Parking your ridiculous SUV over more than one space. Do I need to say more?
Driving at 50k/hr on the red bridge or 90k/hr in tunnels, even though that is the speed limit. For some reason, obeying the limit makes you the dangerous driver.
Asking you to join the office team run for the ING Marathon. I like gentle sports like yoga and complaining about the printer. Why ask me? Now I have to make up some excuse about why I’m not available and not show my face in public on marathon day. Thanks guys! Fined!
Complaining about the high rent prices in Luxembourg and then spending €15 on a cinnamon bun.
Not bringing cinnamon buns to work for colleagues on your birthday. Clearly you can afford to buy them for yourself.
Treating a roundabout as thought it were a straight road. A little known fact about cars in Luxembourg is that they have this incredible gadget called an indicator. Use it or be fined!
Buying plants and then killing them. Are you some sort of Ripley psycho? Stop buying plants, for goodness sake and spend that money on therapy instead!
Talking about how you spent your weekend gardening to colleagues who have no garden.
Complaining about how much work it is to clean your house to colleagues who live in an apartment or a shitty house share.
Complaining there is nothing to do in Luxembourg at weekends but spending your actual weekends in bed recovering from Friday night’s after work drinks.
Recording video footage from Friday’s after work drinks. Delete it or face a fine, you piece of shit!
Posing for a selfie with Xavier Bettel. You poor fool. Don’t you see he’s using you for free PR? In fact, for this one, we would like to fine Xavier Bettel.
Money laundering, dodgy tax deals and complaining about the price of bananas in Cactus. WTF? Do you know that Cactus’ cashiers speak more languages than you? A little fine will be a gentle reminder.
Walking slowly in the alley between Kaempff-Kohler and seafood restaurant Brasserie Guillaume and then complaining how it smells like your ex-girlfriend! She dumped you, so get over it buddy. Maybe a little fine will inspire you to write better jokes!
Saying “Luxembourgish is basically a German dialect”! In terms of upsetting your Luxembourgish neighbours, this is way worse than using your lawn mower outside of permitted hours on a Sunday. And if you say “Luxembourgish is a dying language!” then you will be forced to live in Thionville. No fine will be big enough to make up for the offence caused.