Onboarding: Office FAQs for new starters

All the things you wanted to know but were too afraid to ask. And will regret asking.

Welcome to Sienna Sisters Enterprises! We’re sure you have lots of questions. To save your hard-working (read: overworked) colleagues the trouble of answering, we’ve compiled this handy guide. You’re welcome.

What is the office dress code?

Business casual. No flip-flops. No Crocs. No man buns—unless you’re at the team-building sauna event. Then, and only then, man buns are permitted.

Can I work remotely?

We at Sienna Sisters Enterprises recognise the huge productivity gains of WFH, which is why you may work up to 20% of your contracted hours from home. To further support this initiative, we have developed on-site living quarters so you never have to leave the building. We see this as a win-win.

Will I get my own dedicated desk?

We at Sienna Sisters Enterprises recognize the huge productivity gains of desk hopping. If you want the good desk by the window (the one that looks out over the park), you’ll have to arrive at 6 am to beat German Sandra. Good luck.

Is it OK to eat at my desk?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry. Yes, eating at your desk is strongly encouraged. Just remember to clean up afterward, as someone else will be using it tomorrow. Maybe even in the next hour.

Do I get a parking space?

Parking spaces are for managers only. Everyone else can enjoy the immersive public transport experience.Alternatively, you may wish to take advantage of our on-site living quarters, ensuring you never have to leave the building. Again, win-win.

Who do I contact if I have payroll or benefits questions?

That would be French Sarah. She’s on maternity leave right now. But she usually responds to emails within the hour.

Are there any mental health resources offered to staff?

Here’s a meditation app, a banana and a box of tissues.

What opportunities are there for professional development?

We have a voluntary book club (which all employees are expected to attend), run by the CEO in which we read one book, which he wrote. As homework, we write reviews for his book on Amazon. Our marketing team will also teach you some TikTok dance moves for reels to help build brand awareness. They’re not at all cringe.

Does the printer hate me?

Yes. The printer hates everyone, but especially women. If it refuses to cooperate, we recommend asking an alpha male to stare at it while you hit print. Alain from Sales is usually available for this service.

How did Alain become a manager? 

He’s special. Alain has perfected the art of staring at the printer. Also he’s good at getting the boss’ coffee every morning. You could learn a lot from Alain.

How many squares of toilet paper does it take to block the ladies’ toilets?

Two.

Is this place haunted?

No. That’s just Jerome from Accounting.

What do I say when the gym instructor (paid for by the company) tells me I remind him of his Mum and his ex?

Kevin says this to everyone. You are not special.

Can work see what I’ve printed?

We see everything. Please stop using the office printer for your holiday itineraries, boarding passes, and terrible short stories.

Will this affect my bonus?

What bonus?

But the boss said I was a rockstar for that presentation I gave!

He says that to everyone. Again, not special.

Was this office ever the set of a horror movie?

No. But it might become the setting of a true crime podcast if someone doesn’t empty the fucking dishwasher.

Is it OK to have a side hustle?

Sure. Just don’t expect me to listen to your podcast, attend your gigs, or buy your homemade candles. In fact, maybe just keep it to yourself.

Where is the best place for a sneaky office shag? Asking for a friend.

Printer room. Probably.

Where are the exits? I think I’ve had enough.

Wait, but it’s only your first day!