Secrets of Your Neighbours Unlocked

Garden gnomes are the universal signal of Bitcoin mining. Ever wonder why snow never settles on their roof? That’s not insulation—that’s 200,000 overclocked GPUs working 24/7.

You live so close together you could almost get PACSed. But thanks to your abysmal language skills, long working hours, and the fact that you have the social grace of a damp croissant, the real lives of your neighbours remain a mystery.

Fear not! By closely examining their gardens and décor, you can finally uncover what’s really going on next door.

Orchids in the Window

At first, you think: “Ah, what a refined couple with a passion for horticulture.” Nope. Orchids in the window mean one thing and one thing only—swingers. So sure, go ahead and knock on their door for a cup of sugar. Just be ready for them to offer you something far sweeter—and significantly more traumatising.

A Gong in the Garden

A house of peaceful, meditative monks? No. A house of people who invite you over for wine and then "accidentally" introduce you to ayahuasca.

A Family of Garden Gnomes

Cute, right? Wrong. Garden gnomes are the universal signal of Bitcoin mining. Ever wonder why snow never settles on their roof? That’s not insulation—that’s 200,000 overclocked GPUs working 24/7. That eerie nighttime glow from their windows? Not Christmas lights—just the blockchain at work.

Christmas Lights All Year Round

A little bit of seasonal cheer? Think again. If their Christmas lights are still twinkling long after you’ve chipped a tooth on the fève in your King’s Cake, they’re not celebrating—they’re cooking meth. That Bentley in the driveway? Not their car. That colleague you saw sneaking over? Well, let’s just say HR might want to have a word.

Three Harleys in the Driveway

A gang of leather-clad outlaws? Nope. Kindergarten teachers. The real badasses of society. They’ve stared into the abyss, and the abyss threw up on their shoes.

Ironic Bumper Sticker on Their Jeep

“Save the Planet” sticker? They work at the Ministry of Environment. Also, that Jeep gets three kilometres to the liter.

Gravel Garden

Minimalist landscaping? Try maximum kink. Gravel gardens are a clear sign of a fully operational sex dungeon. Which explains why you keep hearing muffled screams at night. And why Amazon keeps delivering industrial-strength disinfectant to their door.

Wreath on the Door

Oh no. That’s not a wreath. That’s a glory hole. And you just made awkward eye contact with it.

Thatched roof

Swingers.

Electric car charging support

Swingers.

Cannon in the Driveway

German swingers. “Das ist richtig, aber alle Nationalitäten sind willkommen!”

Shoes Left Outside the Door

You might think this is a sign of cleanliness and tradition. Nope. You just moved next to a family of foot fetishists. If your shoes go missing, don’t go looking for them.

A Mysterious Portal in Their Backyard

Are they physicists? Alien enthusiasts? No—just big fans of Stranger Things. Do not let your dog near it unless you want it to return with a second head.

New Car Every Week

Either you live next to James Bond or Luxembourg’s most efficient car thief. Either way, don’t leave your keys in sight.

Receives Daily Deliveries of Marmalade

You live next door to Paddington Bear. Lucky you. Just hope he’s not a swinger too.