Thank you for calling the Schueberfouer hotline, where the wait times last longer than the airbrush tattoos you bought

Q: Where can I park my car in Luxembourg City for free now that the biggest car park is taken up with a “fun fair”? A: P+R Bouillon or an abandoned place where you won’t bother anyone, like a church.

Thank you for calling the Schueberfouer hotline, where the wait times last longer than the airbrush tattoos you will regret buying there.  

All our customer services agents are currently busy (taking your money at the entrance to their extortionately priced rides) but perhaps our FAQs may answer your questions. 

Q: How much is an entry to the Schueberfouer? 

A: It’s free to enter the Schueberfouer park but if you stay too long you will easily spend the equivalent of a month’s rent there. If that is the case, why not consider setting up home at Schueberfouer? I recommend the fun house. It’s probably quieter than your current house share. 

Q: I saw there were sheep at the Schueberfouer last year. I always wanted a sheep. How can I win one? 

A: The sheep cannot be won. Nor are they for sale. Nor should they be taken on the rides. Or given alcohol. The sheep are honoured guests for the opening ceremony. 

Q: I saw sheep at the Schueberfouer last year. Do they sell barbecued lamb there? 

A: The sheep are not for eating. 

Q: I saw sheep at the Schueberfouer last year. Are they intended to be symbolic representations of the people who come in herds and spend stupid amounts of money at the funfair?

A: Please stop asking about the sheep. 

Q: There used to be a ride I loved. It had mini speed boats I would sit in and dream of being a millionaire. Is it still there? 

A: You mean is the dream of being a millionaire still there? If you’re planning to attend the Schueberfouer, that ship has sailed.

Q: Has anything ever broken at the Schueberfouer?

A: Besides a tooth or your bank overdraft or your faith in human decency? I don’t think so. 

Q: I always see pictures of the next Grand Duke at the Schueberfouer. Does he live there now?

A: No. He lives in a castle. He’s not rich enough to live at the Schueberfouer. 

Q: Are babies allowed at the Schueberfouer?

A: Depends what you mean by babies. Infants are allowed in the park although we don’t recommend you take them on the rides–they vomit at the slightest provocation. If you’re talking about François, your annoying colleague who has bad breath and whines about the price of beer in Luxembourg, then no, he’s not allowed at the Schueberfouer! 

Q: Where can I park my car in Luxembourg City for free now that the biggest car park is taken up with a “fun fair”?

A: P+R Bouillon or some abandoned place where you won’t bother anyone, like a church. 

Q: When is the quietest day to visit the Schueberfouer?

A: 12 September.

Q: Do I need to wear any kind of safety gear to attend the Schueberfouer?

A: Are you planning on eating Gromperekichelcher? Then you’ll need oven gloves and a mouth mit made out of teflon to absorb that 1,000°C heat.

Q: I hear there are pickpockets. What can you tell me about avoiding them?

A: The funny thing about the thieves at the Schueberfouer is that people willingly hand over their money to them in exchange for the chance to win a keyring that you could buy for 10 cents on Alibaba (if bought in bulk) and which will break as soon as you try to use it to open a bottle of Corona. Maybe try not handing over your hard-earned cash or get your boss to pay for your rides. 

Q: Is there a risk of kidnapping? My children have been a pain in the arse all summer and I’d love a day off!

A: Kidnapping risk is extremely low at Schueberfouer. However it’s surprisingly easy to get lost there. Why do you think the waiting times are so long? I’m currently “lost” beside a bar, somewhere between the hall of mirrors and the basketball game with only an Aperol Spritz to sustain me. Please do say “hi” if you see me.