The missing script for Friends, the one set in Luxembourg

What if the hit TV series hadn't been set in Manhattan but in the capital of the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg? Maybe it would have looked a little like this...

Characters:

Monica, an MBA graduate who now flips burgers in a high-end food truck called What the Fork?

Ross, brother of Monica and paleontologist at the Natur Musée.

Phoebe, former corporate executive turned yoga instructor and busker and from time to time she also does a bit of coke. 

Rachel, a trailing spouse who has left her husband after he had an affair with the nanny.

Chandeleur, a man in finance who can’t get a date with a woman, because he’s from Thionville.

Joé, a struggling actor who tells his friends that his biggest role was as butt double in Capitani.

Credits roll: To the soundtrack of Luxembourg’s last eurovision song contest entry, Fighter, a group of six housemates who live in a 3-bed house share in Gare frolic in a fountain that is actually a giant puddle from a mains water leak in parc muncipal. 

Scene 1: Interior of Brasserie du Centre. The friends are seated on expensive shabby chic sofas and armchairs drinking matcha lattés and checking their phones for Tinder matches and Instagram memes.

Monica: There’s nothing to tell, he’s just a guy I work with who asked if I knew about pegging. 

Ross: And do you?

Monica: I’m an adult, Ross. 

Ross: No, I’m genuinely asking because I don’t know. 

Phoebe: I know this one! Pegging is a financial term where you get fucked over by someone who doesn’t have a real dick.

Chandeleur: Phoebe, how do you know that but you can’t work the Nespresso machine at home?

Phoebe: That’s because I used to work in corporate. My assistant used to make my coffee. And I did the pegging. 

Chandeleur: Phoebe, I hope this series will last 10 years so that we can unpack your insane past!

Monica: Hey guys, guys, this conversation is about me. So, should I go on a date with him?

Joé: No brainer. Of course. 

Chandeleur: And please bring him home, I feel I could learn so much from this guy. 

Ross: Does he also give financial advice? Since I moved out of my house with Carol I’ve been burning through money. 

Monica: Why don’t you just ask Mum and Dad for cash? They own the whole country from Mersch upwards.

Ross: I haven’t told them. 

Monica: What? Ross, they’re gonna hear about it anyway. 

Phoebe: That’s true. It’s all over Ladies in Luxembourg. And that group: Are we dating the same guy?

Monica: Also Mum and Dad are the Grand Duke and Grand Duchess and they hear everything!

Ross: I know but…

(Rachel enters the brasserie wearing a wedding dress).

Rachel: Oh my God, thank goodness it’s you. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. 

Monica: Rachel. What are you doing here? You should be back in America with Gordie. We gave you a leaving party and everything.

Rachel: I changed my mind.

Phoebe: I like your dress. Didn’t you wear that for one day, like 5 years ago. Yes, you did. I see the stain from the wine I spilled on it.

Rachel: I read Marie Kondo and it’s the only thing that brings me joy. Also, it was all I had time to grab. 

Chandeleur: Good call. Wedding dress is the classic starter for a capsule wardrobe!

Monica: OK. Calm down, Rachel, where’s Gordie?

Rachel: I’ve left him. Since living in Luxembourg, he’s become such a snob. He only eats at Michelin starred restaurants and now he won’t eat me-(sobs)

Phoebe: Not even Taco Tuesday?

Joé: What is wrong with this guy?

Rachel: Meat. He won’t eat meat.

Joé: What is wrong with this guy?

Rachel: He won’t eat meat. Or me. But he will fuck the nanny. 

Ross: But he was working such long hours in audit, how did he find the time?

Chandeleur: I guess he used the time he saved from not eating meat.

Rachel: I feel so alone. I only have €10 and a pack of gum and the sense that I’ve made a very bad decision.

Chandeleur: You’re living in Luxembourg, that’s normal. 

Rachel: Can I come and live with you?

(Friends all look at one another, not convinced).

Monica: I mean it’s already quite tight. We’re 5 people in a 3-bedroom house share. And the garage is full of Ross’ dinosaur bones. And the kitchen is a part-time podcast recording studio. And the attic is going to be converted into a circus school. I mean it might not be very comfortable. 

Rachel: Monica. You always say the right thing. I love circus schools. Thank you!

(Rachel hugs Monica). 

Monica: Um. You’re welcome. 

Phoebe: And you know what, I work nights, so we can share beds. Yay, bed buddies!

Rachel: What is it you do again, Phoebe?

Hey reader, what do you think? How would a full script for a pilot of Friends in Luxembourg look? Who would be the ugly naked guy? And, as a man in finance, would Chandeleur have more luck with the ladies? Would love to hear your thoughts. :-)