THE Universe: “Stop blaming me for your shitty life decisions!”

You tell everyone it was a sign from THE Universe to move to Luxembourg! What about this story is my style?

Hi there, THE Universe here. Long time no see. I know that you’re very busy, escaping reality by channelling all of your precious time and energy into watching Netflix while scrolling through Insta. But apparently, my messages have reached you in the past. Like that time when you were on your period and had to buy a Ritter Sport right there and then and ended up having a meetcute in KKiosk Gare. Or the time you missed the bus on the way to view a flat with cheap rent, and black mould which was owned by a registered sex offender. And in those 20 precious minutes it took to wait for the next bus, the landlord found another poor sucker to rent to. You’re welcome!

So, if you’re hearing this, I need to level with you. It’s true that my powers for helping dodge metaphysical bullets while guiding you on a path of survival and growth are pretty-f*cking-fantastic. I am not some “Schein” version of THE Universe. That’s “Serendipity”. I am the genuine article. And I have been going the extra mile for an eternity, not that anyone ever notices. But that’s a discussion for another time. 

What I wanted to say is would you please, please, please stop blaming me for your shitty life decisions! 

I never told you to order €500-worth of penis-shaped picnic accessories for your friend’s hen party when you were drunk. Nor did I encourage you to buy those half-price, faux-leather trousers from Belle Etoile, which gave you a yeast infection!

More importantly, I played no part in your moving to Luxembourg. In fact, I had a completely different, amazing life mapped out for you. You were supposed to meet an adorable Spanish guy. Sure, Javier was shorter than you and earned a lot less, because he was a waiter in a Tapas bar called “Tap that Ass”.

But he was going to teach you so much about good sex and the secret ingredients of his special sauce! You were supposed to open an award-winning vegan restaurant together selling plant-based calamari.

Sure, after five years the restaurant would go bust, you’d break up and later you’d learn he had an affair with your Aunt Lynda (who is even taller than you!). It didn’t matter that you’d have panic attacks every time you smelled Churros. What was important in the path I wrote for you is that you would finally learn resilience, entrepreneurship and how to cook for yourself. Honestly, why are you still eating Pot Noodles, you weirdo? 

Of course none of this happened. Because instead of going to that Tapas bar with your old university housemate, who just lost her dad, you decided to get your arsehole bleached for a date, and the beautician who did it told you her sister found a sugar daddy in Luxembourg.

And now you tell everyone it was a sign from THE Universe to move to Luxembourg! What about this story is my style? 

Of course it’s not just you: nowadays everyone’s freestyling it. And that would be fine if they weren’t all manifesting left right and centre. “Universe, please can you find me a kind and loving life partner.” “Universe please give me a well-paid, low-stress job.” “Universe, please can you lightly maim my boss!” Honestly, trying to keep people alive, never mind happy, is like herding cats! The stress of it all is giving me hives!! 

I’m just so tired of answering people’s every need. And no-one ever asks what I want. So here it is, my bottomline: I would love it if people would start taking some responsibility for their decisions. And the only way for that to happen is if I take a time out to work on my big picture. Let me spell this out to you: I’m dumping you. Unlike you with that f*ck boy from Basic Fit, I CAN say ‘no’.

Love and best wishes,

THE Universe.

xox