Tips for enjoying Luxembourg while waiting for your new home to be connected to the Internet
Make simple meals that don’t require you to find a recipe online. A mouldy piece of cheese and dry bread is considered a feast in France!
Enjoy the calming sound of hail and wind beating down on the roof of your tiny attic studio.
Wonder how much concrete it takes to build an apartment that prevents its occupants from accessing any network on their smartphone.
Practise gratitude that you don’t live in a 10-bed house share.
Check your phone in case you’ve had a missed call from the internet engineer.
Make simple meals that don’t require you to look up a recipe online. A mouldy piece of cheese and dry bread is considered a feast in France!
Check and see if a neighbour has an unsecured internet line you can squat on to watch the end of “One Day”.
Consider the irony that for the first time in months you could watch a film without scrolling through your phone, if only you hadn’t thrown out those DVDs!
Wonder if that is the correct use of irony.
Conclude that it is. Probably.
Check your phone in case you’ve had a missed call from the internet engineer.
Strike up a conversation with a real life human being. It could be your postal services delivery person. Just remember not to bad-mouth the Post–these people know where you live!
Go for a stroll, while holding your mobile aloft to see if you can get any network in nearby streets.
Read a book or, if you miss scrolling, an actual scroll.
Make your own yoghurt. I mean, it’s not like you don’t have time and gut health is so important!
Handwrite letters to the local newspaper extolling the importance of good gut health.
Pretend to feed the birds on your balcony while watching your hot neighbour do yoga.
Check your phone in case you’ve had a missed call from the internet engineer.
Re-enact all of your favourite Bruce Willis movies.
Discover that the hot neighbour is now watching you and smiling.
Send them a paper aeroplane explaining that you have no Internet.
Read their paper aeroplane inviting you to run away and live in the woods together.
Realise that while reading their message, you have a missed call from the internet engineer.
Call the internet engineer back and listen to painful hold music for 15 minutes before hanging up.
Walk to a local café, jump on their free wifi to cancel your contract with Post and sign your life away to Elon Musk’s Starlink.
Begin the process of applying for permission to install a satellite dish to use your new Starlink connection.
1 year later: you finally get an internet connection. The next day you decide to move in with your hot neighbour and start a yoghurt business.