Unveiled: The 5 Sacred Traits Employers in Luxembourg Worship More Than Coffee

In this brutally honest exposé, employment guru Ebeneezer Wurzel lifts the velvet curtain on the sacred scroll of what employers really want when hiring—spoiler: it’s not “passion” or “teamwork”

Ebeneezer Wurzel is arguably Luxembourg’s most recognisable businessman—or at least, his LinkedIn profile is. Featured in Paperjam a staggering 10,000 times (including once in an article about articles he’s been in), Wurzel’s commitment to personal branding began at age 15, when he posted his first “humblebrag” about single-handedly organising a bake sale that raised €27. Since then, he has been relentless.

Known as the unofficial mayor of LinkedIn, Wurzel spends his free time patrolling the platform like a benevolent dictator, ensuring every post contains at least one of the following phrases: “feeling blessed,” “humbled beyond belief,” or “unprecedented times.” He’s particularly fond of leaving comments like, “This resonates,” even on posts about supply chain disruptions or cats learning to open doors.

But Wurzel’s magnanimity has limits. He ruthlessly challenges anyone daring to post a joke not performed by Michael McIntyre, often responding with “This is not professional, Karen.” Rumour has it he once reported a meme about Monday mornings directly to the Grand Duchy’s Ministry of Decorum.

In interviews, Wurzel says his daily routine includes posting an inspirational quote at 6 a.m., debating the merits of “synergy” by 9 a.m., and achieving “mindset mastery” before lunch. By evening, he’s usually at his standing desk, re-reading How to Win Friends and Influence People for the 58th time, muttering, “I can be humbler.”

Critics claim his obsession with LinkedIn borders on pathological, but Wurzel dismisses this as envy, adding, “It’s not about the likes; it’s about the impact. And also the likes.”

In this brutally honest exposé, employment guru Ebeneezer Wurzel lifts the velvet curtain on the sacred scroll of what employers really want when hiring—spoiler: it’s not “passion” or “teamwork” but something much more elusive, like telepathy or the ability to forego validation for free office kumquats.

Communication Skills

The key to great communication isn’t just listening—it’s strategic silence. Employers value the rare ability to follow instructions, nod convincingly, and shut up when needed. Bonus points if you’ve mastered “active listening,” which is just smiling while your boss rambles about synergy. Express yourself clearly, but remember: words should be short, sweet, and designed to avoid questions. In fact, most situations can be resolved with a simple “yes, boss.” And if you’re blessed with a built-in mute button? Congratulations, you’ve just secured your six-figure future.

Teamwork and Collaboration

Teamwork isn’t just about working with others—it’s about enabling the collective vision, which often means running errands. Want to bond with colleagues? Perfect, because my oat-milk cappuccino isn’t going to fetch itself. And I like it piping hot, so make sure you sprint the 4 km to my favorite café. Remember: in the workplace, “collaboration” means being the fastest minion in the herd. Pro tip: bring back pastries too, because nothing says “team player” like bribing the office with croissants.

Work Ethic and Professionalism

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” But at this company, change starts with you arriving at 6 a.m. to save me from having to log on before noon. Also, professionalism means following through, like when I say, “Gary, meet me at the golf course at 5 p.m.,” I don’t mean 5:01. And yes, responding to emails at midnight isn’t just dedication—it’s a lifestyle. Who needs sleep when you can have KPIs?

Problem-Solving and Critical Thinking

Employers crave problem-solvers who can “think outside the box”—but also know when to stay firmly inside the box, especially when the box contains my ideas. Your mission, should you accept it: figure out how to deliver that 50-page report by tomorrow while covering for Sandra, who’s on her third burnout of the quarter, and Rupert, who’s conducting an experimental study on 7-hour lunches. Bonus: problem-solving includes preemptively finding someone else to blame when everything inevitably collapses.

Leadership Qualities

As my personal hero Ronald Reagan once said: “The best leader gets other people to do the work.” To inspire your team, start small: post motivational quotes around the office (“Teamwork makes the dream work!”) and remind Carol that no, it’s not a waste of paper. Don’t have a leadership role yet? Don’t worry! Just assert yourself by taking on extra responsibilities no one asked you to, like coordinating office karaoke night or managing your boss’s post-lunch nap schedule. If all else fails, remember: the fastest way to lead is to convince someone else to do it.