We are pleased to announce a new course to survive the most hostile scenario in Luxembourg: the technical inspection
You realise you have only 10% battery remaining and no charger. Do you call your boss to tell her you’ll miss the very important meeting that day, order McDonald’s or check Tinder for local matches?
The Preppers Survival School is delighted to announce a new 4-day immersive course helping participants survive in one of the most hostile environments in Luxembourg: the technical inspection of your vehicle.
In this course, you will arrive at the school in your personal vehicle, which you will have bought second-hand because you spend 75% of your salary on rent. But the car is only five years old, has low mileage and its previous owner says it’s never had any problems, so you arrive with a healthy sense of optimism, which this course will attempt to break.
Once you have parked your vehicle, you will enter an office that smells of coffee, aftershave and sexual frustration. The room will be colder than outside, like vaccine storage cold. If you’ve taken our Wim Hoff method course, you’ll be fine. Just remember to breathe.
You’ll take a ticket and even though your number is called, the tattooed guy behind the desk will serve the pretty blonde who just walked in. You hear them speaking French and relax. You mentally prepare your French spiel.
When it’s your turn and you speak French, the tattooed guy will shake his head, making a jingly sound from all the piercings: “No French”, he’ll say in some strange language, perhaps Swahili, or Luxembourgish, and you’ll have to dig deep in your communication tool box to hand over your car key and point out your car in the car park. The guy will then hand you a form, written in French.
You attempt to complete the form, hands shaking from the cold, when the biro runs out of ink. You must improvise to complete the form. Then take another ticket.
You must then make a shelter to withstand the cold conditions and survive your first night in the waiting room. Despite the fact that another guy in the waiting room snores throughout the night, you will eventually fall into a broken sleep only to be woken at 7am by the jingling sound of tattoo guy’s piercings.
He will merrily bite into a pain au chocolat. The sweet fragrance will drive you crazy. What do you do? Tackle him to the ground and steal his breakfast, abandon your post to find the nearest Fischer or crack the snorer’s head against the coffee machine and eat his brain goo for protein? Remember, you’re losing muscle mass and you need to get through this.
A few hours later, you realise you have only 10% battery remaining and no charger. What do you do? Do you call your boss to tell her you’ll miss the very important meeting that day, order McDonald’s to be delivered to the waiting room or check Tinder to see if you have any matches in the area?
During the afternoon, snoring man is called up and retrieves his keys. You will complain that you were there before him and tattoo guy will ask for your ticket. You’ve lost it. You take another ticket, even though there is no one else in the waiting room.
You sleep to conserve your energy but are woken by the sound of screeching wheels. You stand and watch tattoo guy drive your car. He floors the accelerator and does a handbrake turn to enter the warehouse. You catch your reflection in the window; a guy with a shiny, sweaty face and mad, bloodshot eyes. What do you do?
Wiping the sleep from your eyes, on day 3 you ask the tattoo guy what’s taking so long. By now you will have picked up some Luxembourgish from eavesdropping on his conversations with colleagues. He explains the mechanics aren’t familiar with such old technology (the car is 5 years old) and they need more time. How do you keep yourself from losing your shit? Breathing exercises, punch the wall or cry like a big, carless baby?
Eventually, your phone dies. How do you keep your spirit alive?
You will wake up on day 4 with tattoo guy telling you that your car has been ready since day 3. However, it has failed its test on a minor 4a and 4b fault. How do you keep your shit together?
Tattoo guy hands over your key. You walk to your car, your limbs stiff from the ice cold waiting room. Your car is unlocked and you find a homeless man sleeping inside it. What do you do? Abandon the car and take the bus home, wrestle the guy from your car or charge him rent?
Congratulations, you have completed the technical control survival class!
If you enjoyed this course, why not check out our other comprehensive survival training for expats, including how to navigate the Sandweiler (Irrgarten) roundabout and what to do if you’re mentioned in the Facebook group: “Are we dating the same guy?”.