Your emotions, and other things to eat in Luxembourg in January

You’ll try it and think, ‘Wäin not?’ until the third serving, when you realise you’ll be digesting it until spring.

Ah, January in Luxembourg! What’s not to love about a country that greets the new year with a weather forecast of “Choose your disaster: snow, floods, or a combo pack”? It’s the perfect season to embrace hibernation, which in Luxembourgish culture means turning your living room into a poorly-lit IKEA cave and eating like you’re preparing for a calorie apocalypse.

Gromperkichelcher

Your winter saviour… and mouth’s worst enemy. Fresh off the fryer, these potato cakes will brand the roof of your mouth faster than a blacksmith, who needs to race to the January sales to buy a new anvil. But hey, at least the apple sauce gives you a false sense of safety before the pain sets in.

Judd mat Gaardebounen

A winter dish (let’s face it, that’s all-year round in Luxembourg) consisting of smoked pork collar, broad beans and potatoes. A dish so meaty, it doubles as a protein supplement for bodybuilders and a subtle warning to your arteries. It’s the Luxembourg winter staple that says: “Why settle for meat or carbs when you can have both and a food coma?” 

Kachkéis

Why not indulge in Luxembourg’s gift to the world of spreadable… substances? Kachkéis is what you’d get if someone tried to engineer a cheese that could survive nuclear winter. It’s part snack, part survival gear, and 100% your daily allowance of existential dread.

Kachkeis is the food that makes Luxembourg superhero Super Jhemp strong. If you have some leftover and you happen to be redecorating, it can also be used as a natural wallpaper paste.

Bouneschlupp

Grab a salad bowl and slurp yourself some Bouneschlupp, a green bean soup in which chunks of potato, onions, and bacon float around in a craggy liquid that will make you ask yourself: “When WAS the last time I vomited?” It’s a meal, a disgusting habit, and an oddly satisfying ASMR soundtrack all in one! Just don’t slurp too loudly—you don’t want the neighbours mistaking you for an overzealous Alsatian who discovered broth for the first time.

Bouchée à la reine

Luxembourg’s culinary ‘borrow and never return.’ Sure, it might be named after a French queen (“Bouchée à la reine was named after Marie Leszczynska, wife of Louis XV), but Luxembourg has made it their own by stuffing it with enough cream and chicken to make Louis XV roll in his grave and mutter, ‘Merde!’ It’s just a matter of time before they add kachkéis!

Wäinzoossiss

Luxembourg’s answer to bangers and mash (UK dish of sausage and mashed potato)—if bangers were soaked in wine and served with a dollop of existential despair about how long winter lasts here. You’ll try it and think, ‘Wäin not?’ until the third serving, when you realise you’ll be digesting it until spring.