These women will change your life (or end it): Luxembourg’s dating scene #2
These damsels know distress—but they don’t need rescuing. Demure? Hardly. Flex? Absolutely. Slay? Oh, they will.
Looking for a nice, demure girl who’ll giggle at your jokes and never get too clingy? Yeah… Luxembourg might not be your scene. These damsels know distress—but they don’t need rescuing.
Demure? Hardly. Flex? Absolutely. Slay? Oh, they will.
But don’t be intimidated just yet. Take a peek at their dating profiles—if you dare. Just make sure you come prepared… with energy bars, swimming goggles, and the number of a very good lawyer.
Melusina
1103 – Lucilinburhuc
Hi there, it’s Mel here!I’m looking for a partner who is emotionally available, respects my boundaries, and—most importantly—enjoys a bit of rough and tumble with a total legend. Yep, that’s me!
Who is Mel?
I’m quite the catch—literally and figuratively. People have been hooked on my story for centuries (though let’s be real, a lot of those tales are fishy at best). Currently, I’m setting the record straight with my autobiography: “My Nemo-sis”—a scandalous deep dive into my love life.
Otherwise, I’m a simple gal. Not into expensive shoes or manicures (hard to get your nails done when you have webbed fingers, ya know?). My perfect Saturday? A yoga flow, a long bath (or, let’s be honest, a dramatic return to the Alzette), followed by ecstatic dance and maybe a grail of ayahuasca.
Red flags? I don’t do gluten, lactose, or narcissists. Keep your bread, keep your cheese, and for the love of Neptune, keep your ego in check.
Dating me is full of surprises. And moisture.
So, what do you say? Ready to dip a toe in... and meet the gill of your dreams?
Countess Ermesinde
839 – Clairefontaine, Belgium
Ermesinde, Countess of Luxembourg, seeks a silent, obedient squire to accompany her to networking banquets, gently remind the peasants of their place (with a tasteful amount of beating), and—most importantly—spend the majority of the marriage somewhere else, preferably on a crusade.
The Countess is twice-widowed—both husbands met tragic ends after attempting to mansplain horse-and-carriage mechanics. Witnesses report her shouting, “I KNOW BLOODY WELL HOW TO DO IT!” moments before she accidentally ran them over. Requiescat in pieces.
Her daily routine? A delicate balance of holy worship, territorial expansion, and ensuring her many beloved cats live in greater comfort than her subjects.
Weekend pleasures include: Quiet contemplation, empire-building, and catching up on her favourite podcasts—NPR, The Economist, and Andrew Huberman (because even a 13th-century ruler enjoys biohacking).
What’s in it for you? The fortunate gentleman who wins her heart will receive several furlongs of land…in which to be buried.
Swipe right—if you dare.
Elsy Jacobs
92 – Garnich
Hello. I’m looking for a partner who loves a good ride—on their bicycle. Someone who won’t cry if I drop them on a century ride or get jealous when I sleep with my bike (which, for the record, I do. Every night). Because, let’s be real—I’m a shit-hot cyclist.
Cycling isn’t a hobby. It’s a way of life.
Nothing makes me happier than being hunched over my handlebars, tearing past Lycra-clad posers on the roads of Luxembourg. Speaking of Lycra—I don’t do it. I’m a wool girl. Suspension? Overrated. A comfortable saddle? Weak! If you’re not riding with aching quads and a numb backside, are you even cycling?
If you date me, I’ll take you on a tour of my trophy room. I might even let you lead the peloton for a few glorious seconds—before I drop you like a bad sprint finish.
Petrolheads, move along. Cars are a passing trend. Why settle for a gas-guzzling hunk of metal when you could have the raw, untamed power of two legs and pure grit?
So, are you ready to keep up? Or are you just another rider I’ll be overtaking?
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“If you’re not riding with aching quads and a numb backside, are you even cycling?” 🤣😂